


Can only be you

by subak_jumokbap



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Confessions, Drabble, Eventual Happy Ending, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:20:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23149132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subak_jumokbap/pseuds/subak_jumokbap
Summary: Renjun throws his head back and laughs. Pretty, Jisung thinks. And in that moment, being foolishly and irrevocably in love, Jisung tricks himself into thinking that maybe Renjun does smile and laugh in a certain way with him around.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Park Jisung
Comments: 23
Kudos: 203





	Can only be you

**Author's Note:**

> Here is a short rensung drabble that happened because i didnt want to throw away a scene i wrote some time back.

Jisung watches as Renjun gets cozy with Yukhei; head thrown back in laughter, a casual hand resting on Yukhei’s thigh. Jisung watches how Yukhei effortlessly captures Renjun’s whole attention and he tries to remember if Renjun had ever smiled or laughed that way around him. It makes his stomach twist. Yukhei is easy-going, nice, fun to talk to, charming. Basically he’s everything Jisung wants to be. Because he sees it now, sees that Renjun has a type.

Jisung gets startled when Jaemin appears by his side, taps his thigh and asks him how he’s been. He tears his gaze away from Renjun, relieved at the intervention Jaemin brings. Jaemin being the affectionate person that he is, clings to Jisung, wraps his arm in Jisung’s and showers Jisung with affection in every way possible. Jaemin listens to him attentively, almost overbearingly, but Jisung is used to how _sticky_ Jaemin can be. While he usually detests it, he’s thankful for it for the first time in a million years because with Jaemin and _only_ Jaemin in his view, Renjun is out of sight, out of mind.

Relief is only short-lived, lasting as long as a fleeting thought, because to Jisung’s dismay, Jeno comes a while later and Jaemin abandons him to trail after Jeno like a puppy. Jisung gets left alone on the couch once more and he chooses to people-watch idly while nursing his cup of Sprite. He still has yet to appreciate the taste of alcohol even if it’s no longer foreign for him. The vacant space beside him isn’t left empty for long because Renjun comes and slides next to him quietly. It’s the simplest of actions yet Jisung finds himself clamming up.

Renjun’s not clingy, not overwhelmingly close to him like Jaemin was. There’s a good distance between them that allows Jisung to still breathe normally. Despite the lack of physical contact, it still strangely feels intimate how Renjun leans back against the couch and watches over him. Jisung can’t see Renjun fully when he faces the front like how he is now but he can feel Renjun’s stare lingering on him. An air of possessiveness and protectiveness clouds around him. It’s slightly unnerving to have Renjun exudesuch a tone in a crowd like this - to boldly claim privacy and deter others away. It’s unlike Renjun to act this way but it gives Jisung relief to be provided something to hide behind in comfort. Renjun knows that this isn’t Jisung’s scene and it’s obvious from the way he situates himself beside Jisung, subtly yet firmly establishing intangible boundaries around them - so that no one touches them; no one touches _Jisung_. Jisung doesn’t know if Renjun actually knows what he’s doing, establishing a small haven like this for him but he’s thankful either way. He’s also extremely terrified at how Renjun’s presence alone can comfort him.

Jisung silently throws his head over his shoulder and lets their eyes meet. He gives Renjun a small smile, a sign that he’s aware of Renjun’s presence. Renjun slowly lifts his back from the couch and hovers behind Jisung. His palm rests tentatively on Jisung’s shoulder. The warmth seeps through Jisung’s shirt and kisses over his skin.

“You’re so quiet today,” Renjun murmurs, a conversation so hushed in the mess of noises that it feels like they’re whispering secrets. It feels more private than it actually lets on especially in front of so many people Jisung isn’t familiar with.

Jisung plays with his fingers. “You know I’m shy around people I don’t know,” he mutters, meeting Renjun’s gaze briefly. He places his now empty cup on the floor, sweaty palms coming to rest on his knees. In the haven Renjun’s established for him, the words they speak stay inside as well. It helps him to feel at ease, as if it’s just them two in this space they have claimed as theirs.

While Jaemin’s protectiveness sometimes makes him feel like a kid being watched, Renjun’s feels like he’s the only person in the world. Jisung likes it a lot because whenever he talks, Renjun doesn’t brush off any of his words; he absorbs them and ruminates over them and he shares with Jisung his own thoughts and experiences. Renjun never laughs at him, always laughs with him and treats him the way he likes to be. It makes him feel… special. Renjun makes him feel special.

He feels Renjun’s hand move from his shoulder, sweep across the back of his neck and stroke his cheek gently before returning to his own lap. The touch of Renjun’s hand only lasts for a few seconds but it’s long enough to make his face burn.

Renjun chuckles and Jisung hopes it’s not because he’s visibly blushing.

“You’re so cute.”

Jisung’s heart beats wildly. Mumbling, he says, “Shut up.”

Renjun laughs and ignores Jisung’s unconvincing air of indifference. He mindlessly grabs Jisung’s hand, clasping their hands together on his own thigh. Jisung should be used to this, given the countless times Renjun has reached out for his hand for no particular reason. But tonight in front of the unfamiliar faces, Jisung can’t help but feel conscious. He doesn’t want to give others the wrong impression especially when most of them are people Renjun knows. Renjun isn’t his and he’s not Renjun’s, no matter how much he wants it to be that way.

Renjun at the moment is blissfully unaware of Jisung’s emotional distress. He looks down at their interlaced fingers and plays with how they fit together, releasing and rewrapping his fingers around Jisung’s repeatedly. Jisung sees a smile on Renjun’s face, one Renjun probably isn’t aware of himself and Jisung feels his chest tighten. Renjun messes him up and he’s no stranger to the feeling anymore.

“They’re not all people you don’t know. You came here with Mark. You know Jeno and Jaemin. There’s Donghyuck too. Most of them are my friends. You don’t have to be scared of them. Oh, that’s Yukhei.” Renjun points his chin at him. Yukhei’s at the other side doing shots with Jeno and Jaemin. “You’ve met Yukhei a few times, right?”

“Yeah,” Jisung swallows and feels how dry his throat is. “He seems like a nice guy.”

Renjun looks at him and smiles like he knows all the secrets in the world.

He doesn’t, obviously.

“Is that why you’re so nervous? Is it because of him?”

“What?” Jisung croaks out.

Renjun’s face lights up. “Did I get it right? That would explain why you were staring at him the whole night.”

“I wasn’t staring at him,” Jisung refutes, flushes till his cheeks turn crimson. Renjun’s gotten the wrong idea, totally wrong, but he doesn’t know how to explain without exposing himself.

Renjun tilts his head coyly and rests his chin on Jisung’s shoulder. He has a smug smile on his face and Jisung keeps his head straight so he doesn’t come face-to-face with him. He wills his heart to keep a steady beat. Renjun speaks again, a breath away from his ear. “Why not? Isn’t Yukhei hot?”

Jisung blushes further but only because the idea of him liking Yukhei baffles him. Admittedly, Yukhei has a very pleasant face to look at but the person Jisung was staring at the whole night can only be Renjun. There is no one else for him.

The situation is totally not what Renjun thinks it is but Renjun takes the change in Jisung’s expression as him being right. Renjun throws his head back and laughs. Pretty, Jisung thinks. And in that moment, being foolishly and irrevocably in love, Jisung tricks himself into thinking that maybe Renjun does smile and laugh in a certain way with him around.

But it might all just be wishful thinking on his part and he thinks himself silly to have thought such things. His heart clenches and self-pity slowly starts misting around him. The weight of Renjun’s hand in his turns mocking. It taunts him and makes him feel… small. A question flashes in his head so loud he can’t shove it away. _Does Renjun ever_ see _you_?

He feels _icky,_ like he can’t bear Renjun’s touch without feeling so incompetent. It doesn’t feel right inside and he feels the need to do something to relieve himself from feeling miserable. He silently pulls his hand away, conscious of what he’s doing and conscious of Renjun’s eyes as he does it. It doesn’t help that his head is already clouded with Renjun, that he craves Renjun’s touch despite not wanting it at the same time. Renjun watches Jisung carefully when the warmth from Jisung’s hand is lost, hesitantly gathering his own hand between his thighs. Jisung can tell that Renjun feels confused and hurt because he’s learnt to read Renjun that easily. He’s never rejected Renjun like this before and as much as it is new to Renjun, it is new to him as well. Even after being pushed away, Renjun’s worry is the one that washes over him, not the hurt or confusion. But it doesn’t wash him back to shore where he’s safe, it brings him further away, to the middle of the sea where nothing waits for him. Where he waits for nothing.

“The room’s too warm,” Jisung tries when the atmosphere between them shifts uncomfortably. “It’s stifling.”

It’s a complete bullshit of an excuse and they both know it.

Renjun doesn’t call him out on it. “You wanna go outside? Get some air?”

Jisung shakes his head.

He doesn’t want to do this anymore. He doesn’t want to be that person that keeps waiting around wishing for more than just the barest of touch, for a smile that’s meant just for him. He wants Renjun to call his name in a bright laugh, to be the reason Renjun snickers at his phone in the middle of class, to be the person Renjun thinks of before he sleeps. He doesn’t want to wait around for _nothing._ He can only wait so long and he’s tired. He can’t do this.

There’s a time when people know they should give up and Jisung thinks he’s long overdue.

“I think I’ll just leave.”

Renjun looks worried. “Right now? Why? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Jisung says, trying to leave but Renjun puts a hand on his thigh. He flinches so bad that Renjun looks sorry and brings his hand away again, regretful. Jisung hadn’t meant to react the way he did but it had come out as a natural reaction. The hurt from Renjun’s face reflects off of Jisung’s.

“Jisung talk to me,” Renjun insists, sits at the edge of the couch and turns his body such that he covers Jisung from everyone’s view for Jisung to focus on him. Just like that, Renjun builds the haven for him again, puts him in a place he feels safe. Jisung hates how easy it is for Renjun to play with his heart.

“Was it something I said?”

“No,” Jisung breathes out. He hopes his pleading is clear when he looks into Renjun’s eyes. “I just want to go back.”

Renjun looks at a loss at the shift in Jisung’s mood but in the end he exhales and nods his head, trying his best to understand even if he doesn’t. “Let me at least walk you back. I asked you to be here, the least I can do is to make sure you get back okay.”

“You don’t have to be responsible for me,” Jisung mumbles, eyes trained on the pattern on the floor. Jisung’s heart is his own and it’s his fault for not taking care of it.

“For my own peace of mind,” Renjun persuades.

Jisung doesn’t want Renjun to worry about him unnecessarily. He sighs, obliges. “Fine.”

Renjun tries for a smile. “Come on, then.” He almost reaches for Jisung’s hand again but thinks better of it. It makes Jisung feel sorry. Given his way, he would let Renjun’s hand find his but he can’t do that, not when he’s finally decided to move forward. He tells himself to get a grip as he stands and follows Renjun through the crowd and out the door.

Outside, they walk quietly, the gap between them necessary yet a torture. Jisung wonders if he’s doing the right thing - giving up. But there’s no true right or wrong in love. There’s only choices and consequences and Jisung is a coward because he’s waited too long to make a choice. And now he must bear the weight of what he’s chosen.

“Do you want to talk? We can talk about anything. Whatever you want. We can not talk too, just tell me to shut up and I will.”

Jisung doesn’t feel like talking but he knows Renjun does because that’s his coping mechanism; he talks to distract himself from thinking about things. Renjun is trying to get him to talk so that maybe it’ll work for him too, to make him distracted and less… miserable. Jisung wonders if he wears the misery on his face.

“What do you want to talk about?” Jisung asks, giving in, counting in his head the number of footsteps it takes from one lamppost to the next.

“There was something I planned on talking to you about tonight,” Renjun states, walking alongside Jisung. “But I don’t think it’s a good idea anymore.”

“Might as well talk about it since you’ve already brought it up,” Jisung mumbles. They reach the next lamppost. Jisung restarts the count in his head.

“Would you listen?”

Jisung looks up ahead and sees that they’re only a few lampposts away from his dorm building. Whatever Renjun has to say, he won’t have to listen to it for long. The main thing on his mind is that he’ll be alone soon enough to drown in his feelings.

“Sure,” Jisung mutters, restarting the count once they pass another lamppost. Just a few more to go.

“Let me phrase it better in my head first,” Renjun says. Jisung can feel Renjun’s gaze on him, wary and worried because he hasn’t been looking at Renjun the entire time they walked. Silence strolls along with them while Renjun takes his time. Jisung isn’t bothered by the wait, he’s never bothered by anything Renjun does. Renjun can even give up on saying whatever it is he wanted to altogether and that would be fine with Jisung as well. Unrequited feelings have taught him a thing or two. If you don’t expect, you don’t get hurt.

They reach his building eventually, the bright white LED lights piercing in the darkness of the night. Jisung notices that the flickering light nearest to the elevator has finally been replaced. Maybe it’s a sign. Tonight, Jisung has to fix something of his as well.

They stand in front of the elevator, lingering. It’s awkward and Jisung doesn’t know if he should just quickly bid Renjun goodbye or stay because Renjun looks like he still wants to talk.

“Do you want to go up? I haven’t figured out how to tell you what I wanted to say yet. But if you’re willing to listen, I can try.”

Jisung sees no harm in hearing Renjun out. He doesn’t think anything can make him feel worse. He avoids Renjun’s eyes but nods. “I’ll listen.”

“You have to look at me first,” Renjun urges, tilting his head for Jisung to meet his eyes.

Jisung refuses, eyes glued to his worn-out sneakers. “Just say it. I promise I’ll listen.”

“Not until you look at me.”

Jisung furrows his eyebrows, shakes his head. “Why do you insist that I look-”

“Because it’s hard to tell you I like you when you won’t even look at me.”

Jisung snaps his head up immediately. What was that supposed to mean? Renjun’s face softens when their eyes finally meet. “It would make me feel more pathetic than I already am if I confessed to someone who isn’t even interested enough to look at me,” Renjun says with a weak smile. It looks like he’s trying to mask something, like a bandaid too small for a cut too big.

“Don’t joke around like that,” Jisung says carefully, his heart starting to thud faster. If it’s a joke, it’s a cruel one. If it’s the truth, it’s a terrifying one.

“I know it’s hard to believe but I mean it. I’ve tried to let it show but it’s hard because holding hands and spending time with you… we’re already doing that,” Renjun runs his hand through his hair, looking stressed but still in a perfect kind of way. “I couldn’t think of how to make it obvious that I wanted you.” His words ring in Jisung’s ears and birth butterflies in his stomach. The look of sincerity on Renjun’s face tells him that this is all very real.

This was definitely not how Jisung had expected the night to turn out. He was so close to breaking down in front of strangers at a party he didn’t really want to be at, chose to give up the only person he wanted to be with and had been thinking about drowning in misery all night. Up till now. It’s a better outcome, definitely, but he’s still trying to make sense of it.

“And I want you,” Renjun presses when all Jisung can do is stare at him. “But I couldn’t tell if you wanted the same. If you liked me the same way.”

Jisung is envious of the way Renjun can just _say_ things, things like _feelings_ and not be a stumbling, bumbling mess about it. Jisung wishes he had that courage because he’d been a coward for the longest time and had chosen to give up in the end. Fate is kind to give him a second chance and he clings dearly to it. He won’t mess this up.

Renjun looks nervous and it’s a weird sight to see. It doesn’t look right. Renjun is confidence, mostly blind confidence but it’s charming and he never lets anything get the best of him. The Renjun Jisung knows doesn’t fear anything, makes Jisung’s problems seem unlike the mountains Jisung thinks they are and always, always makes everything better. Seeing Renjun like this, however, comforts him because Renjun is afraid too, and Jisung feels better knowing that it’s okay to be.

His heart beats fiercely and his nerves are a tangled mess, but in a good way. And this might just be the best thing to ever happen to him.

“What you’re saying is that-”

“That I like you.” Renjun says surely and it makes heat thrum underneath his skin. “I thought there was a chance you might like me back but- but you can’t even look at me now and I don’t know why. I know I did something and I’m sorry, whatever it is,” Renjun swallows and eyes Jisung carefully. “But you have to tell me if I upset you. You’re always letting me do whatever I want. Tell me what you want and what you don’t. I want to know.”

But Jisung does want this. He wants it so bad, it feels too good to be true. It’s almost feels like he’s being tested for something. Like if he’d do the wrong thing, everything will disappear in an instant. He’s not going to let that happen.

“I’m not upset with you, I was just being stupid.” Jisung inhales and shakes his head bewilderedly. “I was being dumb and a coward. You were talking to Yuk- I didn’t think I’d stand a-” Jisung pauses and breathes in deeply. “This is a lot to take in.”

Renjun looks at him understandingly. “It is. You don’t have to say anything now. You can take your time-”

“No, _don’t_ \- don’t say that.”

Renjun’s expression morphs into that of confusion.

Jisung’s spent a long time waiting and he isn’t going to waste any more time. He knows what he wants. He’s known for so long. He won’t let this slip through his fingers. “I don’t need time to think, I - I want this. I’ve liked you since… I don’t know. But I do.” Jisung breathes in, holds Renjun’s gaze steady. “I want what you want too.”

The corner of Renjun’s lips lift up shyly. “Shit. You do?”

Jisung laughs breathlessly. He nods his head firmly and steps closer to Renjun. “It wasn’t Yukhei,” he says quietly, “The person I was staring at.”

Renjun exhales and smiles. “I thought so.”

“Unbelievable,” Jisung whispers with a laugh. Tension eases from his shoulders and Renjun visibly looks more relaxed too. Jisung bites his lips, hesitating slightly before he speaks. “Do you want to, like, go on a date tomorrow? We can do that thing where we pretend to exercise and end up ordering pizza in the park.”

Renjun laughs heartily, reaches out to tuck Jisung’s hair behind his ear. It’s not new but it feels different now. It makes Jisung shy but he basks in the affection. Renjun smiles delightedly at how Jisung doesn’t move away from his touch, and the sight of Renjun’s smile makes Jisung flush a pretty pink. Renjun takes his time, gazes contently into Jisung’s eyes. “I’d love to,” he finally says. “I’ll meet you here, tomorrow at two?”

“Okay.”

Renjun thumbs Jisung’s cheekbone and Jisung swears his whole face heats up. “We can talk more tomorrow, you should go up, get some sleep. Goodnight, Sung.”

“Goodnight,” Jisung swallows, eyes still staring into Renjun’s. But he grabs the wrist of Renjun’s hand that’s tenderly caressing his face, stopping Renjun from moving away. He steps closer and Renjun laughs and it sounds a bit nervous. Jisung wants to tell him it’s okay, he’s nervous too.

Renjun slides his hand down to Jisung’s jaw and he searches Jisung’s eyes for assurance. “Can I-”

“Yes,” Jisung breathes out. He doesn’t wait for Renjun to close the distance between them, does it himself and flutters explode like fireworks in his stomach when their lips meet. Renjun’s hand moves to his nape and he feels sparks where Renjun’s fingers touch. The kiss is shy and sweet but it’s enough to make him dizzy. Jisung snakes an arm round Renjun’s torso and pulls him closer, feeling Renjun smile when he does so. Renjun kisses him tender, coaxing him to relax. Jisung tries to and finds himself getting lost easily in the softness of Renjun’s lips. It works in making him less of a tangled mess of nerves and he chases after Renjun when Renjun attempts to pull away.

“You’re really cute,” Renjun mutters as their noses brush against each other. “I won’t be gone long. You’ll see me again tomorrow.”

But Renjun’s lips are red and shiny and Jisung realises he can actually kiss him if he wants so he leans in and swiftly kisses Renjun again. Renjun laughs as he welcomes it, is even delighted by it given how he sighs into the kiss and takes it at a languid pace. Jisung doesn’t want him to go just yet. He holds Renjun’s jaw and angles them better, kissing Renjun slowly and tenderly.

“Jisung,” Renjun says when they part to steal a breath. He smiles. “Sung, ask me.”

Jisung doesn’t want Renjun to go and it seems like Renjun doesn’t want to either.

Jisung chuckles, a little breathless. “Do you want to come up? We don’t have to do anything, we can just-”

“ _Yes_ ,” Renjun answers, jamming the elevator button and wasting no time to return to Jisung’s lips. Jisung’s fingers thread through his hair naturally and he smiles when Renjun smiles against his lips. They kiss like they’re exchanging secrets, a mixture of breaths and giggles. They almost miss the elevator if not for Renjun stopping the doors in time with his foot and tugging Jisung in while laughing. For Jisung, everything currently feels like a dream but it’s better because it’s real and Renjun actually likes him back. It looks like Renjun does have a type and it wasn’t Yukhei after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos appreciated! Thank you for reading! You can come find me at [twt](https://twitter.com/hapatakup) [cc](https://curiouscat.me/subaks) :)


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